“life will be better in spring”

January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 August 2011 September 2011 January 2012 February 2012 July 2012 September 2012 December 2012 June 2013

why do we have wishes and wants.
what is really necessary for us to have and what is not?
there has been so much on going for me recently.
maybe its due to a change in environment and a patient who reminded me so much of the Queen..
is she back to haunt me?
back to ensure that i be the nurse that i swore to be after i left with that lasting impression?
although i did not take care of the patient that long (as compared to the Queen),
it still impacted me deeply.
the first time i saw her,
i thought to myself..
is she down with cancer? GBS? she seems to be as weak as her..
from then, there has been questions after questions running through my head
do i have the patience
to wait for her to finish what she wants to finish
do i have the ability to tame myself and stay to listen what she has to say or speak
do i have the compassion to continue ensuring her safety, autonomy, integrity, pride and self confidence?
am i just a nurse, a good nurse or an excellent one?
it seems pretty dumb to think of all these right now aint it?
but sometimes, i just cant shake of that feeling.
its not that i lack confidence or sth..
what the Queen left with me, has been nothing short of life changing.
something that no one really knows
its just that i feel deeply about this matter..
to say that she inspired me, motivated me and pushed me to be even better in my care is a gross understatement.
she thought me how to get to know the patient more to give holistic care
it isnt easy. but to a patient who is depressed, who is down and out
it means a lot to them. to just talk to them and get to know them more
yet, i still wasnt able to provide this care to her.
why? did i forget what i learnt? was she sent as a reminder?

i just wish to get away from this island now.
get away from everyone and retreat into a space of my own
go somewhere quiet, where i can see the stars and hear the crickets and birds chirp.
i really need to rearrange my thoughts that's running through my mind non-stop
i feel tired. drained.
it isnt suppose to feel that way..